Will you blow on my dice?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize