u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
