P.S. I can't hear my feet
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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