Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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