I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
