I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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