we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
