Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize