The maid of honor just puked.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
