I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
