I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I have peed in a lot of sinks
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
