apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
