He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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