vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
