How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
