I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
