Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
