Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
