If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
