Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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