an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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