Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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