Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
