My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm too high and old for this...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
