Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
