I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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