i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
