please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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