I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
