This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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