evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
