weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize