Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
We had to coat check the pizza.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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