I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
