the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
