Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
