I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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