remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
