Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
