Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
