There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
