Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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