the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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