I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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