Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
