I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
