I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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