If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
