girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize