Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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