I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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