I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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