I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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