There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize