I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I need to align my fucking chakras
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
