dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
