even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
