My balls are so social today.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
