If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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