Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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