If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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