Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
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