im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
