Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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