So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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