Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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