Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize